Part 1 was about the overuse of “as.”
Now I want to discuss a few other reasons I quit reading a book. First up is passive voice or passive writing.
Let’s start with a definition: “In passive voice, the subject receives the action of the verb.”
Here’s an obviously awkward example, “The lemon blueberry scone was eaten by me.” Active would be “I ate the lemon blueberry scone.” “The horse was chased by the donkey” is also passive though not as odd sounding. Active: “The donkey chased the horse.”
One simple warning of passive voice is verbs preceded by “were” or “was” (past tense) or “am,” “is,” or “are” (present tense). Often the verbs end in “ing.”* Here’s how it looks: “Jon was walking down the street to the school.” If one continued in the vein of passive verbs, it might sound like this: “He was opening the candy bag and was eating the toffees one by one. His long blond hair was blowing in the wind. He was wearing a blue shirt.” The “was”es get old really fast, don’t they?
This verb form is called “continuous verbs” and there are times it’s appropriate to use them. Read more here. But for the most part think “active verbs.” I’ve shared it before, but love this article: “Better Ways to Describe Action in Writing – Active Verbs Are Your Best Friend” by Jenny Wiehardt.
“Began to,” “started to” can also be passive. Sure, sometimes a character starts to say something or do something, but most of the time he or she simply does the action. “Sally began to cross the room” or “Manuel started to eat his dinner” won’t stop me if they happen infrequently, but multiple ones on the same page probably will.
“There is/are” or “there was/were” are often passive too. E.g. “There were many people in the concert hall.” That’s a fact but what were these people doing? Clapping, cheering? Sucking in a breath of shock? What they are doing will give the reader a more active picture. E.g. “The sold-out crowd in the concert hall rocked with laughter.”
Here’s a hilarious quote on passive versus active: “[The active voice is the] vigorous voice, unashamed to say whodunit. Passive voice is preferred by the weak, the cowardly, ashamed to name the fink who told them what they are evasively telling you.” John Bremner
Distancing the reader
Distancing the reader is sometimes called filtering. Or in other words the action is shown through someone else’s eyes. Yes, your main character is experiencing what is happening, but don’t slow it down by pointing that out to your reader. “Tacy saw the boy pull out a gun” is much less powerful than “The boy whipped out a gun.” Show the person doing the action instead of someone hearing or seeing the person do the action. Warning signs are I/she/he “heard” or “saw.”
Here’s an interesting article that relates: “Narrative Distance and the Link Between Show vs. Tell” by Stacy Frazer.
No sense of setting
One writer explained that no setting was like putting characters in front of a white board. I’d add that they are in a soundproof room, wearing white, and not eating or smelling or experiencing anything. The reader doesn’t have any details to picture where and when the characters are.
Use sensory details to show the setting. Right now I’m sitting in my living room on the couch with a laptop desk over my legs. My bare feet are almost cold. My cat, Luna, sleeps on the back of the couch. A ceiling fan hums in the room next to me. The bright blue sky and Ponderosa pines reflect in my laptop screen. That’s not outstanding writing, but didn’t that give you a picture of where I am? We want to do the same thing for our readers. Author Bruce Hale says, “I tend to slip my descriptions of setting into the beginnings of scenes, to help the reader picture where the action is taking place.”
Here’s a great article for further information: “5 Steps for Using Setting to Write Compelling Middle-Grade Narrative Fiction” by Heather Mateus Sappenfield.
Too much description
Conversely, if the description bogs down the scene, I find myself skimming to get to the action.
Description worked in with action works the best. And not everything in a room or setting is described. I like this quote: “Best descriptions tend to be impressionistic, seizing on a few select details…letting the readers…do the rest.” – Peter Selgin
Think about this option: “Imagery is powerful shorthand. It says in four or five words what might otherwise take you sentences to describe – and not as vividly.” – Sid Fleishman
This list of “what stops me reading” is not complete. These are just some that bug me, especially in the opening pages of a novel. Once I get hooked on a character and his/her story, I’m probably more forgiving.
*This is different that gerunds which also end in “ing” but are turning verbs into nouns (subject or object) or adjectives. For example, “Running is my thing.” “Let’s go swimming.” “The barking dog is really annoying.”
