When I hear about a book with an interesting premise, or take a book off of a shelf, I like read the opening pages. If they catch my interest, I’ll purchase it, or check it out from the library. However, I decline free books when the opening doesn’t grab me, especially if it isn’t edited well enough.
This is not just about grammar and punctuation, although that’s definitely a stopper. It’s often about less obvious things.
The overuse of “as.”
For example, when reading the opening of a mystery, four of the first eight sentences started with “as.” Another sentence also included an “as.” Not to embarrass another author, I’ve made up my own example. It has the same number of sentences and “as”es and how they could be fixed.
Emma dropped her keys as a noise behind her startled her. She checked over her shoulder. Nothing in the dimly lit hallway. As she bent to pick up the keyring, it came again. As she snatched up the keys, the skin of her back crawled. As she searched for the key to her apartment, her fingers trembled. Click—there it was again. As Sandra shoved they key in the lock, she saw a small flame out of the corner of her eye.
Writing that made me cringe. Let’s talk about why.
Sentence #1 – Emma dropped her keys as a noise behind her startled her. This is a perfect example of trying to show simultaneous actions, but what happened first? The noise. It should be first. Think chronological order. Possible rewrite: A noise behind Emma startled her and she dropped her keys.
Sentence #5 – As she snatched up the keys, the skin of her back crawled. Since sentence #4 started with “As she,” varying sentence structure will make the text more interesting. One way to do so is by using a conjunction. Possible rewrites: The skin of her back crawled, but she ignored it and snatched up the keys. OR She snatched up her keys and tried to ignore the crawling sensation going up her back.
Sentence #6 – As she searched for the key to her apartment, her fingers trembled. As in #5 this is a misplaced modifier. (Read more about them here.) Possible rewrite: With trembling fingers, she searched for the key to her apartment.
Sentence #8 – As Emma shoved they key in the lock, she saw a small flame out of the corner of her eye. Sometimes we need to use other words such as “while” or “when.” One possible rewrite would be: When Emma shoved they key in the lock, she saw a small flame out of the corner of her eye.
So what could this paragraph look like using these ideas?
A noise behind Emma startled her and she dropped her keys. She checked over her shoulder. Nothing in the dimly lit hallway. As she bent to pick up the keyring, it came again. She snatched up her keys and tried to ignore the crawling sensation going up her back. With trembling fingers, she searched for the key to her apartment. Click—there it was again. When Sandra shoved they key in the lock, she saw a small flame out of the corner of her eye.
If I saw this version, I’d keep reading. What about you? Do you think it is stronger? Feel free to comment below.
